Now that January is almost gone, one with any desire to compete in a race needs to start planning th
e year ahead. I hope to change this frail, dilapidated body of mine into an adventure-racing phenom by summer’s end allowing team Jablome to place at the Kit Carson 24 next August. How you ask. First things first. Yoga will most certainly not be in the plans. This type of Tibetan exercise is only useful when trying to impress the ladies with your sensitive side, which I have no desire to find. Also, when the fuck did being sensitive ever help anyone get across the finish line?
So, to accomplish this unrealistic goal of mine Jablome must undertake a transformation of body and soul. Registering for the Death Ride, which is held high in the Sierra Nevada’s of California, is step one. Most of the adventure race takes place atop a mountain bike while at an elevation of well over 7000 feet. Currently, Woody lives below sea level which translates to certain failure to come. In addition to spending a tremendous amount of time on the ol’ biceclete, (two times per week seems pretty extreme at this point) I
must change this delicate frame into one of bulges and ripples like Fred as he displayed this over the holidays.
e year ahead. I hope to change this frail, dilapidated body of mine into an adventure-racing phenom by summer’s end allowing team Jablome to place at the Kit Carson 24 next August. How you ask. First things first. Yoga will most certainly not be in the plans. This type of Tibetan exercise is only useful when trying to impress the ladies with your sensitive side, which I have no desire to find. Also, when the fuck did being sensitive ever help anyone get across the finish line?So, to accomplish this unrealistic goal of mine Jablome must undertake a transformation of body and soul. Registering for the Death Ride, which is held high in the Sierra Nevada’s of California, is step one. Most of the adventure race takes place atop a mountain bike while at an elevation of well over 7000 feet. Currently, Woody lives below sea level which translates to certain failure to come. In addition to spending a tremendous amount of time on the ol’ biceclete, (two times per week seems pretty extreme at this point) I
must change this delicate frame into one of bulges and ripples like Fred as he displayed this over the holidays. This racing shit isn’t for pussies ya know. I have no idea how this is going to transpire and am open to suggestions. The kayaking portion of the said adventure race does not worry me one bit because I have masterminded an infallible plan. Holding onto my teammate’s coattails will secure my safe voyage on the rough waters of Lake Tahoe. The final step in this training regimen is to improve my navigation skills. Mrs. Iwill Jablome will teach me her award-winning techniques that she demonstrates every year around Christmas as she navigates from one mall to the next. Getting lost is not a possibility with her guidance.
So, there you have it, Heywood’s goals in print. So, what do you think? Look like a winning plan?
So, there you have it, Heywood’s goals in print. So, what do you think? Look like a winning plan?
3 comments:
Dude:
I applaud your propensity for punishment. But...
You look a bit like Mick Jagger after a year long heroin bender. I suggest 'roids, HGH, EPA, anything you can get your hands on. BTW, is that Lifesavers in Freddy's cut offs, or was he just happy to see you?
About the only thing I can get my hands on around S-Town is a little smack or speed. Got to get the hell out of this town, it is killing me slowly.
Fred gets excited around most skinny men.
MTBing with Freddy-boy today. After I smoked him in the black diamonds, he tried to force my ass into a tree. I did my patented "hold me mommy" maneuver and maintained my vertical orientation while getting up close and personal with an oak trunk.
I fear the ever-cagey Fred will not be easily dissuaded, Woody. How should I best put his ass down? I thought a serious CV beating would lead someone of his condition to cardio pulmonary arrest but I was wrong. I now think only a slam to the pavement will do now. Please advise. (I need to watch your technique more closely next time.)
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