Moveitfred was heading out to ye ol' Friday night circuit race late this afternoon when Thor himself drew forth black clouds from hell and began heaving loving bolts of thunder across the land.
Moveitfred was still miles from the start and so gave it the ol' Fahk It, turned around, and headed back to the relative safety of La Casa de Fred.
Perhaps the race happened, but likely not. Instead of another pack fill result Moveitfred dropped in Disc 1 of the Tour de Cali and knocked out a killer interval workout on the basement trainer while War of the Worlds blasted and boomed above his head in the form of a wicked summer storm.
But on to more important matters. Moveitfred always has to piss like a mutha at races. We all know our hero Al has that "other problem" (ie, restless bowel syndrome), but for Moveitfred it's an inability to curtail the golden streams.
Perhaps it's a combination of nerves and a bladder the size of a peanut, but the #1 concern for Moveitfred heading to, at, and after any race--and the thought that dominates upwards of 90% of his pre-race strategy--is the need for both frequent and immediate access to urine depository space. Moveitfred prefers private space, but semi-private or primarily public will do in a pinch.
In fact, Moveitfred believes that a rule change is in order at USA Cycling. Moveitfred believes that after all those hoo-haa announcements by race officials about pits and free laps and primes that there be a regular call of "OK, racers piss" thereby giving everyone a fair and equal opportunity to straddle, squat, or sling a bladder's worth of urine onto the earth before the business of the race begins.
Rather than poorly-timed dashes to the port-a-growlers or asking girlfriends to hold up blankets, wouldn't we all appreciate this opportunity to purge before rolling off the start and sitting in like frightened deer for the rest of the race?
Moveitfred feels that after a "break-in period" both racers and spectators alike will come to accept this group extrusion and treat it as simply ordinary or as a chance to partake in a kind of community water sport.
8 comments:
It's clear that Fred has crossed the threshold, broken down any barriers, and discarded all notions of decorum--stretched and tenuous as they were--with this last entry. This puzzles me. My mind is scrambling, trying to make sense. I'm reeling. What I want to know is this: did one of those broads have the back pressure to lift that egg herself while the other two waited to "dive in," one after the other? Or was there a sort of referee (I'm imagining him clad in hip waders, rain slicker, and hi voltage gloves) holding the egg aloft while the girls got flowing?
Pissing pre race: before a marathon, it seems like the runners just discard any sense of propriety. I think runners have hit upon Fred's notion long ago. Standing in the chute before a marathon start, one sees men and women pissing all over the place. And stepping off the roadway to try for a modicum of manners will result only in a shoeful of human shit. (As an aside, isn't it funny that stepping in human shit is FAR worse than stepping in any other kind of animal shit? I mean, who wouldn't rather be ankle deep in elephant shit than acccidentally dabbing a digit into a pile of people turd? Why is this?) And NYC is (of course) the king of this pre race piss-fest phenomenon. (Or Queen if you prefer.) The NYC marathon is infamous for two things at the start: 1) "The world's longest urinal." There's an industrial feed trough that runs 100 yards and has drains in the bottom set up by the roadside. Runners use the port of plop primarily for El Deuce and pee in the long pan instead (those that aren't just dragging their running singlets to the side and squirting where they stand). 2) The first mile of the race takes you over the Verrazzano Narrows Bridge. It is a requirement for first timers to piss off the bridge. One sees runners chopping their ways to the railing (grabbing at their groins all the while) so that they can let loose a stream over the side while screaming "whoo hoo." (Incidentally, I'd strongly suggest you don't consider angling for stripers in the Narrows on the first Sunday in November.)
Al wonders why cyclists haven't just hit upon this. Maybe it has something to do with the addition of equipment. I mean, where does one put one's bike while pissing? (Wouldn't want to foul the hubs or bottom bracket.) And, then again, maybe it has something to do with the shaved legs.
Wood-
Been thinkin'.
Can we somehow apply the technique used in the last photog to the egg toss next year?
If you don't mind Moveitfred asking, how is your stream?
1) dear gawd--where DO you find those photos?
2) i'm impressed that you turned around, went home, then got on the trainer. I blew off a weeks worth of training, ate hamburgers and hot dogs and cake and chicken wings and drank beer and wine. i feel kinda ew now.
3) at least you can do "the old down the pant leg" trick i would pee all over myself and my leg if i tried that.
4) no, you cannot watch as i try that.
xo
m
p.s. litka raced amazingly today--she really is a newly born crit racer.
Litka rocks the house of rocks. But will she race cross?
Al, I'm thinking the start required the waders/slicker/gloves combo. And don't forget goggles.
I'm with you Fred-O.
Fred, come to the Workingman's Stage Race. I'll make sure we get you your own private portafred, just like Ophrah and Lance. Either that or I'll get you a Gatorade bottle and you can sprinkle the passenger seat in Al's Camry. On Thursday night at the points race, it's dark and foggy, and it's a deserted car racing track so you can hang ten on the backstretch right before the start and nobody will notice. Even if they did, it's NH and that sort of thing is accepted as part of God's plan for the world.
Believe me, SOLO, I've been in the locker room with Fred. NO ONE WILL NOTICE.
hell - firehoses at the start should clear away all that hyperhydrated bike racer urine...
nothing like lining up at a cross race and seeing some poor sap holding 4 or 5 spots while his mates are all out pissing, cause ya know ya need to line up there like 30 minutes prior to the start... unless they do it al la nats and give reg to those with the quick clickyfinger...
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