Memories, pt 1

So Moveitfred has been playing over his vacation again and again in his mind as he gets back to the numbing business of normal life. Let Moveitfred replay now the first day of his vacation to the loyal reader of this blog.

Family fred scheduled a late-afternoon flight out of local rinky airport that was scheduled to get into Jablome Country in Cali late that night. What was supposed to be a mildly-inconvenient cross-country flight that evening turned into an all-night slog with a productive ending.

Problem was Baltimore (isn't it always?). Baltimore was the first quick leg of the fred's flight itinerary. Apparently on this night a storm of epic proportions leveled the DC/Baltimore area. No flights in or out. So for several hours the freds waited. They played games. They watched a movie. They fed quarters into the massage chairs. They spent way too much time looking at airport gift shop crap. Mrs. Moveitfred even approached official airline personnel and offered to come back the next day. The response was that we would be leaving shortly, and the guarantee was that the flight would go on as scheduled through the night into Jablome Country.

After another hour or so Family fred did leave and arrive in Baltimore. Next leg: Baltimore to LA-LA Land. This was the all-nighter leg that finally did arrive in LA at 3am. Final short leg: LA-Jablome.

However, a snag. Apparently the pilots' union was all over this delayed mess unfolding across the country and decided to put a stop to the flight in LA: pilots had been working too long and this flight was officially grounded.

There were about 30 people scheduled to travel on to Jablome Country on that flight, and they were cranky and piss-flippin' mad. Moveitfred's children were exposed to all 14 cuss words in the time it took to walk from the plane, down the breezeway and into the terminal.

Now here's a travel tip from Moveitfred: when you find yourself in this situation and everyone around you is blowing gaskets, you be the nice one. Think about it: the airline personnel are just as tired and cranky as you are and will do anything, ANYTHING to make you happy and get you out of their faces for the night.

So, the deal from the airline was this: since the terminal was officially closed, all 30 passengers needed to hike it out to the rigid, non-padded chairs by baggage claim for the night until the first flight out to Jablome Country at 8:30am. Nice...

But Moveitfred and the Mrs huddled up and called an audible. With exhausted kids asleep on top of their carry-ons, the freds decided enough and came up with a Plan B that worked to perfection. The freds sidled up to an airline official and calmly presented the terms: the freds wanted a hotel--a nice one--for the family to get a few hours sleep in a bed, a big breakfast, and a later flight. (Don't scream and say "you gotta do something about this YOU FUCKERS!" as others on the flight did--calmly tell them what you want and make it easy and impossible to say "no").

Done deal.

The freds were whisked past 26 other saps curled up on metal chairs and off to a 4-star LA airport hotel. There they all got about 6 hours sleep between 500 thread count sheets before going downstairs for a huge buffet breakfast on white linen tablecloths. Then they took a leisurely trip back to airport for a late-morning, uneventful flight to Jablome Country. Airline paid for it all. On top of all that the airline gave each of the freds a $200 voucher. Nice.

So upon arrival at Estate Jablome (think babbling Greek fountains, original artwork in each wing, acres of fruit orchards--fucking Tuscan villa) Heywood started jumping up in fred's grill and saying, "I'm gonna take you down for a swim at a shitty hole at the river...swimming at a shitty hole."

Now Moveitfred is thinking "What the fuck?" The freds just traveled all night across the country, suffered hours of delays, ended up staying in a lavish LA hotel that morning, just got in, and this Douche is taking us swimming down at a shitty hole? Where's the love? Where's the hospitality?

Well, turns out fred was being a bit too hard on Heywood.

What Heywood really said was "TITTY hole."

When Moveitfred, Heywood, and family arrived after a long dusty hike through the canyon they found a virtual titty parade basking alongside the river! Oh yeah, Heywood!!! (although Moveitfred wonders even now why Heywood would think this watery Norcal pit of evil would be appropriate for children, Moveitfred didn't think too much about it at the time).

Now THAT'S the way to start a vacation!