AL imparts a "NO SHIT!!??" moment for his listeners
Today, at the factory, Al had a moment that will go down in infamy. I was in my cubicle, meeting with several of the worker-interns that I am charged with caring for. I was reading through the file of one young intern, a young woman of about 20, and making some suggestions to her for improvement. She made a burping sound. I looked up involuntarily but noticed nothing so I continued. She did it again. This time I looked at her and she seemed to be pained. I wondered, "this bitch dyspeptic?" She then made some strange mewling sound and put her hand up to her face. She burped more and her face began to expand. Suddely smoke spewed from her ears and her head began to turn a full 180 degrees. A demonic voice came from her, it screamed, "the sow is mine!"
And then it happened. The demon bitch fouled Al's office. She began to spew projectile vomit like a firehose on full blast being held by a four year old.
All I can say about the experience is this. It was horrid. I handled myself well though: I pulled up my feet and jumped up on the desk like a chick running from a mouse. I managed not to shriek. Instead, in a deep voice I said, "I cast you out unclean spirit in the name of Jesus Christ!"
Later on:
After leaving the factory (and showering with brillo and lye soap), I began my current fav work out: an hour spin (yes, yes,very gay, I know, and fuck all you haters). After my spin, I threw on my run kicks and grabbed the jog stroller. I did a 4 mile course that leads me past my daughter's school. All was staged perfectly so that I could pick her up "on the run," as they say. But I must say this:
I can't stand the way our neighborhoods and schools have gotten. You can't believe, first of all, how difficult it is to navigate the sidewalks with a jogger around here. It is clear that these sidewalks were NEVER for actual walkers / joggers. They are broken every 1/4 mile by telephone poles that make going into the street necessary. Cars are parked on the sidewalk all over the place and no enforcement to stop this goes on. At the school, one gets looks like "what the fuck is wrong with this guy" and requests like "please don't leave the stroller in front." Fred and I were discussing the whole kids riding bikes to school or walking thing the other day. Let's just say this: it ain't happening. It isn't safe, schools don't want it 'cause their lawyers have advised against it, and parents seem programmed to think that transport other than by car is odd and inappropriate. What the fuck has happened?
4 comments:
GVB on Office Vomit: Gross. I mean truly fucking gross. Could you tell what she had for lunch?
GVB on School Transportation: Nightmare. I hate every other parent in the fucking district, man. Dear giant SUV driver (yes, both the driver and the SUV are giant), your kid is a punk and you can't drive for shit.
GVB on Sidewalks: On my last run I found a nice set of new, wide, landscaped sidewalks through two new developments. The bitch is that at the very edge of each piece of the development the sidewalks just ended without warning into a bramble of blackberry bushes and garbage, only to start up 15 feet later when the new development started. You assholes couldn't split the difference and pick up that extra 15 feet? Fuck.
Office Vomit: I could not tell what she had for lunch. But it was brown and liquid and rather thick...beef stew? Oh, and it did not like being in the demon child.
Sidewalks: It's funny. We all have "routes." Here is where I run when pushing my kids...here is where I run when I'm by myself...etc etc City planning certainly isn't interested in transport / recreation that is human powered.
So Strange that obesity is such a problem here in the good ole U.S. of A.
Al,
How did you just not yell at her to take that shit outside? How does the office smell today?
The sidewalks, what should we do about them, raise taxed? You think when your parents were young and the USA was thin they had perfect sidewalks? People just got by. They walked where they could and dealt with it. If they tripped, they learned to pay better attention and kept going. It seems people will only walk/run/bike if they have perfect conditions. What happened to uphill both ways in the snow to school. I did it, you did it, why can't kids today do it?
Well I don't know how things work in Californski or out in East Egg, but I know that in Seattle the cities were so busy poaching development from one another back in the 1970s that they would give concession after concession to attract builders. One of the first things to go was the previously standard demand that the developers pony up for improvements to the area. Roads, power, sewer, water, sidewalks, etc.
Anything built from 1970 to 1995 or so has nothing resembling a sidewalk through it.
Now the state has gotten pissy about it and most developers have to include sidewalks in their plans, but they don't build them with any though to people actualy using them. Most go nowhere, and none of them connect to anything else. I live 1/4 mile from the longest paved trail system in the state, and I can't get to it without running on the god damned street.
Post a Comment