Last January, Heywood Jablome got some wild hair up his ass and decided add his name to the lottery to the Death Ride. The whole time he was thinking “what are the fucking chances I will get picked anyway.” So Heywood entered his name and his credit card # (4774 5873 9969 8989) on the appropriate line and the registration was complete.
March rolls around and Mrs. Jablome notices an unusual $90 purchase on the monthly statement from the Credit Card Company. “Woody, what did you buy for me that was $90 and where is it?” Knowing full well he bought nothing for the wife, Heywood glanced at the bill and realized that he was screwed. Non-refundable. So his training started that day.
Fast forward a few months and the Death Ride is upon us. On Friday night, Heywood was invited to sleep in a friends RV parked in the dirt lot next to the staging area. Before arriving in Markleeville, CA, rumor was that no one goes to this event anymore because it was too crowded. They were right. One could hardly find a place to park a 40’ house on wheels. After getting settled in, a bunch of riders sat around the RV giving excuses why they may not complete all five passes. Folks, the ride hasn’t even started yet and y’all are spinning the wheel already. Come on. So after Heywood finish his six-pack of beer, he explained to everyone that he drank too much and that he was going to take it easy on Sa
turday. He then retired to bed.#$&%%*^*^^%&. At 4:00am (0400 hrs for you military geeks) there was an awfully loud noise coming from the staging area. For some unexplained reason, the organizers of this event like to wake everybody up at 4:00am with extremely loud music.
At 5:30 am Heywood was on the road with bike under him. Monitor Pass was the first two passes to be conquered. The roads on this pass are perfect for a fast descent, allowing for speeds in the 50+ range for almost the entire back side. Next, ride to Ebbetts Pass for the tough third pass. There are a few sections reaching 18 percent causing instant chest pain in all but the most fit riders. The back side of Ebbetts was shorter and seemed to be the easiest of all the passes for Wood. Then, the hilly long ride over to Carson Pass.
Now Mrs. Jablome and Heywood arranged for the Mrs. to have a hearty sandwich waiting for Wood at the staging area. Wood would pick this up while riding past Turtle Rock Road while on the way to the last pass. So Heywood rode past the lunch stop and was salivating thinking of his lunch to come with the Mrs. While approaching Turtle Rock Road, the Mrs. flagged him down and handed him his sandwich. Big, thick tuna sandwich with mayo, cheese, and many more fixings. Only one problem. The Mrs. made this sandwich earlier in the day and decided to let it sit out in the 94 degree heat and rot. On his first bite, Heywood about puked. Nice try, but thanks. On to the final pass with no lunch. This meant that Wood bonked. It took a while but he finally finished Carson Pass. That’s right, ALL FIVE PASSES FOLKS! So there you have it.
Heywood’s friend Michael Rasmussen called him Saturday night to congratulate him on his fine accomplishment. Rasmussen asked for some advice for the next big stage so Wood gave him some tips. Eat early, eat often, and go for the win. Heywood Jablome hopes it works out for him on Sunday.
19 comments:
You freakin' mountain goat, you.
Y'know there are these companies out there that make these cool little products called "gels." They don't take up much room, so you can stuff a bunch of 'em in your pockets, socks, or down your shorts. They help prevent the bonks. Best of all for you, they don't cost much.
Didn't we go over this once before?
ps, that freakin' danish boy put in some serious time today. Now if he can stay upright on the TT bike...
Bravo, Wood! You stud! (BTW, was M.R, happy to see you or was that a pack of lifesavers in his 8 panels?)
But now let's talk about Mrs. Jablome, shall we? First, the woman is a saint for putting up with you. However, she may need some picnic lunch remediation. Who the fuck makes a TUNA sandwich for a musette lunch?! Let's forget the fish and mayo death factor (fish, mayo + sun, heat, elapsed time + extreme endurance sport = vomit, death). How about the T.R.S.? (Tuna Return Syndrome, wherein the victim burps him/herself to death with par-digested tuna belches.)
FUCK! She may be trying to kill you. Do you have a big life insurance policy?
Wood, you nimrod. You've got more balls than brains. (And I like that.)
I've always been quite fond of poached salmon for my stage race re-fuels. It's great with a nice beurre blanc sauce (and you can mix that with a little lanolin and antibiotic cream to make a great saddle sore unguent).
Thanks Fred for the advice. I started with three chocolate GUs and two bottles of Gatorade. Was told that Gatorade and gels were going to be at all the aid stations. Well it was Cytomax which I am not a big fan of. And some of it was super diluted and some was almost all powder with no water. As far as the gels, they had Cliff Shots with only god awful flavors like mocha or mango. A girl on her senior prom may have been able to get it down but I was having trouble.
Al, could you have a talk with the Mrs. about food prep. She thinks I am just being a picky eater.
"Oooh, Cytomax. Yuck, Cliff Shots. Where's my tuna melt?" Grow a set, will ya?
Woody!
I am so very impressed--this ride is crazy hard, and who knew a huckster like you could go UPhill too.
Tuna sammich? Mayo? EW-O. Send the wifey to soigneur school.
And, I thnk I have the same sunglasses as the dude next to The Chicken. And since you guys are in full-on stealth mode, I have no problem mocking the fact that he has chick glasses. Hot chick glasses, but chick glasses none-the-less.
xoxo
m
Oh yeah, thanks for bringing that one up too, Meg. Wood, didn't we go over the glasses too? Sheesh.
Meg,
I use those glasses to protect my face from the sun. This way I don't need to wear sunscreen.
Wood-
Next year:
1) Graduate into manhood and get yourself a set of tubulars.
2) Night before, drink heavily and do a crappy job of gluing/mounting the cheapest set of tubs you can find.
3) As before, bomb hills at 50mph but this time really heavy on the brakes. You don't want to miss all that purdy scenery.
4) It's fun.
ps-Close your eyes, hold your nose, and squirt down whateverthefuck gels they have. They're FREE, you pussy.
pps-If you rode that shit with a triple up front I'm flying out there tomorrow to kick your ass.
hugs, Moveitfred
PPPS-
Oye yoi yoi yoi yoi yoi yoi!
sorry to say fred but some guy went down hard after the third pass. Two of my friends waited there with him until the amb. arrived. I was climbing the forth pass and passed the location as the ambulance was pulling away. Big pool of blood. Thing were not looking to good for that guy.
Thanks Wood. Good to know.
Wood:
For my upcoming tri, I'm looking for the perfect snick-snack to stuff in my xlab wing. What does the mrs think about a pair of these bad boys? The hoagie rolls should fit nicely in the cages, no?
Hot Tuna Hoagies
Ingredients
* 1-1/2 cups packaged shredded cabbage with carrot (coleslaw mix)
* 1 9-1/4-ounce can tuna (water pack), drained and broken into chunks
* 2 tablespoons mayonnaise or salad dressing
* 2 tablespoons buttermilk ranch, creamy cucumber, or creamy Parmesan salad dressing
* 2 hoagie buns, split and toasted
* 2 ounces cheddar cheese or Swiss cheese, thinly sliced
Directions
1. In a medium mixing bowl toss together shredded cabbage with carrot and tuna. In a small mixing bowl stir together mayonnaise or salad dressing and ranch, cucumber, or Parmesan salad dressing. Toss salad dressing mixture with tuna mixture.
2. Spread tuna mixture evenly on the four halves of the hoagie buns. Place on the unheated rack of a broiler pan. Broil 4 to 5 inches from the heat for 2 to 3 minutes or until heated through. Top with cheese. Broil 30 to 60 seconds more or until cheese melts. Makes 4 servings.
Chef prefers warm egg salad sandwiches on his rides. Maybe you could try that one next time.
Also, do you think you could invite Rasmusson to game night sometime? He is such a stud.
Hey Wood:
I've been stuffing my jersey pockets full of this concoction. Gives me just the right kick at the tail end of my double centuries:
Seafood casserole with shrimp and crabmeat, along with mushrooms and wine.
INGREDIENTS:
* 12 to 16 ounces cooked medium to large shrimp, cut up
* 8 ounces lobster meat
* 4 ounces crabmeat
* 4 ounces sautéed mushrooms
* 1/4 cup butter
* 1/4 cup flour
* 2 cups milk
* salt and pepper, to taste
* 1/4 teaspoon paprika
* 1 to 2 teaspoons snipped chives
* 1 to 2 teaspoons finely chopped parsley
* 2 tablespoons dry white wine or sherry
* Parmesan cheese, about 2 to 4 tablespoons
PREPARATION:
In a buttered 1 1/2-quart casserole, combine seafood. Add cooked mushrooms.
In a medium saucepan, melt butter over medium-low heat; stir in flour until smooth and bubbly. Gradually add milk, stirring constantly.
Continue to cook over low heat, stirring constantly, until thickened and bubbly. Stir in seasonings and wine. Gently stir sauce into seafood mixture. Sprinkle with Parmesan cheese. Bake at 350° for 20 minutes, then broil for a minute to brown top. Serve immediately.
Serves 4.
I'm just curious. Does anyone have a good recipe for deviled eggs? Thanks!
Queer Cookie:
Sure, sure. And these are just so refreshing after a couple hours of endurance sport. (Why, I remember once we packed our rucks and forgot we'd stowed a dozen of these beauties. We found them a few hundred miles down the trail...ambrosia!)
Classic Deviled Eggs
# 6 hard boiled Eggs (large)
# 3 tablespoons mayonnaise or salad dressing
# 1 tablespoon sugar
# 1 teaspoon mustard (honey mustard is great!)
# 1 teaspoon vinegar
# salt & pepper to taste
# paprika (optional)
To boil eggs, place eggs in enough cold water to cover completely, bring to a rolling boil over high heat.
Reduce heat to a lower MEDIUM BOIL and cook an additional 12 minutes.
Promptly chill eggs in ICE WATER until chilled so yolks stay bright yellow...keep adding ice as necessary....rapid chilling helps prevent the "greenish" ring to appear around the yolk.
Remove shells from eggs, and halve lengthwise with a knife.
Carefully remove the yolks, and place in a medium bowl.
Mash yolks with a fork, and add remaining ingredients.
Very carefully spoon mixture back into the egg white halves. Garnish with a light sprinkling of paprika (optional).
Heywood,
Next time you should just put mayonaise packets in little ziplock bags and tape them near your deviled eggs. Then you can reach for them when ever you feel like it and you don't have to even worry about the Mrs.
The weirdest thing happened today...my computer is on the fritz and my two favorite websites (www.MarthStewart.com and the gay cycling site I like, www.3bicoastalsboys.blogspot.com) seemed to have crossed bianary codes and next thing you know I'm getting recipes on the gay site and Martha's talking about changing a flat. Weird!
That's fucking cyberspace for ya.
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