This Sucks

It is a little known fact that Heywood is training for a 20 kilometer trail run in late December. One problem that constantly arises is his inability to run. The best way to describe his inabilities is to compare him to Moveitfred. Everyone knows Fred looks like a fish out of water when he attempts to pick’em up and put’em down. Those gangly arms flailing about as his feet attempt to propel his 7’2” frame forward. Now imagine that guy is 6’3”, exceptionally attractive and his name is Heywood Jablome. There you have it. Clear as mud?

So Wood has been hitting the trails whenever possible trying to develop this skill. Yesterday, he could be found at the local high school track running some intervals. While running, Wood was feeling pretty down on himself not seeing a marked improvement with his split times. Is this working? Will he ever get faster? Why is he out hear? All these questions were filling up his head causing him to loose motivation. He began to explore the surroundings looking for some inspiration to keep going.

The lard ass eating McDonalds in the bleachers was not exactly inspiring. Neither was the chain smoker walking laps next to Wood. With his hands on his hips ready to quit and go home, Heywood looked up to the skies before something caught his eye. STACEY DRAGILA. Not in person, but her name there on the billboard. That’s right, she went to this high school. She ran on this same track before it was renamed in her honor. She got her start right here in Auburn before becoming a world record holder in the pole vault. Yes, this is what Wood wanted, true inspiration. Placer High School, the land where champions are created. “I can do this,” he thought as images of Stacy Dragila ran through his brain. Those firm thigh muscles flexing as she runs. Those glutes tightening up as she pulls herself up and over the bar while riding a long stiff pole. Yes, Wood is inspired. He picked up the pace. Faster and faster the miles clicked by. Soon, his training objective for the day was complete and it was time to go home. This running stuff is fun.

demonic-AL

AL imparts a "NO SHIT!!??" moment for his listeners

Today, at the factory, Al had a moment that will go down in infamy. I was in my cubicle, meeting with several of the worker-interns that I am charged with caring for. I was reading through the file of one young intern, a young woman of about 20, and making some suggestions to her for improvement. She made a burping sound. I looked up involuntarily but noticed nothing so I continued. She did it again. This time I looked at her and she seemed to be pained. I wondered, "this bitch dyspeptic?" She then made some strange mewling sound and put her hand up to her face. She burped more and her face began to expand. Suddely smoke spewed from her ears and her head began to turn a full 180 degrees. A demonic voice came from her, it screamed, "the sow is mine!"

And then it happened. The demon bitch fouled Al's office. She began to spew projectile vomit like a firehose on full blast being held by a four year old.



All I can say about the experience is this. It was horrid. I handled myself well though: I pulled up my feet and jumped up on the desk like a chick running from a mouse. I managed not to shriek. Instead, in a deep voice I said, "I cast you out unclean spirit in the name of Jesus Christ!"


Later on:

After leaving the factory (and showering with brillo and lye soap), I began my current fav work out: an hour spin (yes, yes,very gay, I know, and fuck all you haters). After my spin, I threw on my run kicks and grabbed the jog stroller. I did a 4 mile course that leads me past my daughter's school. All was staged perfectly so that I could pick her up "on the run," as they say. But I must say this:

I can't stand the way our neighborhoods and schools have gotten. You can't believe, first of all, how difficult it is to navigate the sidewalks with a jogger around here. It is clear that these sidewalks were NEVER for actual walkers / joggers. They are broken every 1/4 mile by telephone poles that make going into the street necessary. Cars are parked on the sidewalk all over the place and no enforcement to stop this goes on. At the school, one gets looks like "what the fuck is wrong with this guy" and requests like "please don't leave the stroller in front." Fred and I were discussing the whole kids riding bikes to school or walking thing the other day. Let's just say this: it ain't happening. It isn't safe, schools don't want it 'cause their lawyers have advised against it, and parents seem programmed to think that transport other than by car is odd and inappropriate. What the fuck has happened?

Al Is A Zit

Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, Al.

Fix the blog.

memori-AL

Cum On.......