Now to other matters...
Today, I received ANOTHER of those unbelievable annoying chain mail emails. You know, one of those fucking "do this list of things and you'll be happy" emails. These dumb shit emails drive me crazy. Some absolute dork in his 5x5 cubicle gets this shit from some "friend" and then annoys the shit out of 223 people on his mailing list by forwarding it on. They always have these "great" subject lines:
Tips for an Exceptional, Superb & Powerful Life
Today's FWD was particularly annoying because it had this underlying "pray and praise Jesus" message running through it.
Now, if you haven't guessed, Al is A-religious. Al would call Al an atheist. Now Al doesn't care what you believe or practice. However, Al can't stand when you tell him what to do/think. Thus, Al decided to stomp a little life-coach ass.
First, Al went into stealth mode. (This involved forwarding the offensive email to a secret email account: stiffone469@aol.com)
Next, Al added some replies to the list of "things to do."
Finally, Al replied to all and sent his thoughts to a few hundred unsuspecting cube dwellers.
The response was overwhelmingly positive. (And stiffone469 was pleased as punch. Don't read on if you're easily offended or find blasphemy/irreverence upsetting.)
Tips for an Exceptional, Superb & Powerful Life:
1.) Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while
you walk, smile. It is the ultimate
antidepressant. Try running instead. It will slim down your fat ass, and you’ll be working too hard to wear a goofy fucking grin. Walk around smiling, and they’ll want to lock you up.
2.) Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Buy a lock if you have to. I’d like you to shut the fuck up for much longer than just 10 minutes.
3.) Buy a Tivo (DVR), tape your late night shows and get more sleep. Or stop watching the stupid shows.
4.) When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, 'My purpose is to________ today.'
Bullshit. Want to relax? Try not setting a “purpose” for each day.
5.) Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy. Try the 3 Fs: Fuck off, Fuck you, get Fucked.
6.) Watch more movies, play more games and read more books than you did last year.
And get laid.
7.) Always pray and make time to exercise.
Do exercise. Fuck prayer.
8.) Spend more time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of Six.
Fuck the fogies. Avoid kids under 6 too, unless they are your children’s friends. Then try to be civil while tolerating the whiny little fucks.
9.) Dream more while you are awake. And you’ll probably get fired.
10.) Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less foods that are manufactured in plants.
Oh, fuck. Who is the genius who came up with this one?
11.) Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli , almonds & walnuts. Yeah yeah.
12.) Try to make at least three people smile each day.
And then tell everyone else to go fuck themselves.
13.) Clear your clutter from your house, your car, your desk and let new and flowing energy into your life.
How ‘bout you add some new energy to your life: jump in the tub with your toaster.
14.) Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead, invest your energy in the positive present moment. More fucking energy issues, huh?
15.) Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class
.......but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
Ok asshole, tell me one thing you learned in school that you still remember.
16.) Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.
Beer and ramen?
17.) Smile and laugh more. It will keep the energy vampires away. What the fuck is an energy vampire? Does this dick work for KEYSPAN?
18.) Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
So true, so true. (Douche.)
19.) Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. I fucking hate this guy.
20.) Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
You say, writing your list of 40 life rules.
21.) You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree. Whoa.
22.) Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present. zzzzzzzzz
23.) Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about. Love the metaphor: life is a journey. Deep!
24.) Ladies - Go on and burn those 'special' scented candles, use the 600 thread count sheets,
the good china and wear our fancy lingerie now. Stop waiting for a special occasion. Everyday is special. Yes, so are you. In the little school bus sense of the word.
25.) No one is in charge of your happiness except you. Which is why I am ridiculing your stupid bullshit.
26.) Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?' I wish you’d framed this email with those words before sending it.
27.) Forgive everyone for everything. I’m trying. But not succeeding, you dick.
28.) What other people think of you is none of your business. True. But this time I’ll share: you’re an asshole.
29.) Time heals almost everything. Give time, time! How long will the recup be from this email?
30.) However good or bad a situation is, it will change. Amen.
31.) Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch with them. Have you met my friends?
32.) Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful. This email.
33.) Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. God provides remember?! Then why must I fuck about with green tea and salmon?
34.) The best is yet to come. (in Heaven) Kill yourself and speed the whole thing up.
35.) No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up. Can I skip the undies? I like going commando.
36.) Do the right thing! Unless you’re wrong.
37.) Call your family often. What you call them is up to you.
38.) Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: 'I am thankful for __________.' Today I accomplished _________. And then laugh like a motherfucker at how stupid you just were.
39.) Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed. Or just drink more.
40.) Enjoy the ride. Remember that this is not Disney World and you certainly don't want a fast pass. You only have one ride through life so make the most of it and enjoy the ride then make sure you are on your way to Heaven and will receive a new body in Christ Jesus!
Stop wasting time on stupid emails like this. And fuck Jesus.
