He was born November 3rd weighing in at 8 lbs 15 oz, 22 inches long and is an eating, sleeping, shitting machine, just like his dad. Most importantly, healthy. This is the first child to the Jablome family and many things are confusing Wood.
For starters, Wood is exceptionally knowledgeable with dogs, all household animals for that matter. Potty training the pets was speedy, straightforward, unproblematic, and took only a few days to complete. Sure there was the occasional catastrophe but for the most part it was a great experience. Not so much with the baby. Wood employed the same established techniques that worked on all the pets, rubbing their nose in the shit. Six weeks old and still no improvement. Can someone help a brother out?
Next, the unvarying crying. Wood has been married for over five years, a few of them pleasant. When the marriage was new, Mrs. Jablome tried to cry to get her way. “I want this, waa waa waa, I want that waa, waa, waa,” she cried. Woody doesn’t play that game. He just elevated his voice and told her where the bear craps in the woods. She soon learned. This baby though, is not paying attention to what daddy is saying. He just cries until you feed him. Wood tried the same approach again and he just keeps crying. Does he not understand who is in charge of this family? Is he deaf? How does one lay down the law? Until this is figured out, the Jablome family will just shove food down the mouth until he pops.
Wood does appreciate all the help the readers (MIF and Al) have to offer. Hope Wood is forgiven for his lack of attention given to this blog as of late.
6 comments:
Potty training:
Wood, in your profession Moveitfred assumes you are well-versed in mouth-to-mouth. Some of that training applies. Let Moveitfred explain.
1. Babies produce fairly regularly timed BMs. No doubt you know about when Wood Jr. will blow.
2. Just before that time, get yourself a good mouth seal around Jr's anus. Nice and tight, no leaks.
3. When he blows into your mouth, inflate your cheeks to take it all in.
4. Don't swallow.
5. Now, flip Jr over and blow it all back in his face. The key here is shock value. Hold it in awhile and make playful, humming sounds. Try to get him to smile,then give it back hard. If it helps, give your cheeks a good slap with your hands.
6. Keep spitting and say, "Bad Diaper Boy!" over and over again.
This won't work the first time. As with everything in parenting, be patient.
I'm dialing CPS right now.....
Thanks MIF for the insight. I will try it right away. Carrie, don't judge, teach me your ways if they are better.
Wood:
NICE! Kid needs a shave, though.
Timing is crucial with the whole kid crap thing, MIF is right. In my experience, you've got to learn the schedule. You cuddle and goo goo ga ga for a while, giving the mrs. her "much needed rest." Then when jr. starts a grunting you do the ole, "look at the time" and pass him over to the mrs. It isn't that you must train him. More you gotta train her.
And get used to the idea that you are not in control.
Congratulations on the new edition! He looks just like you Heywood, Mrs. Chef and I are so pleased he likes his Red Santa Hat.
Some would say that six weeks is too young to pierce an eye brow, but I love that you guys just went for it. It's so Nor Cal hippie. He is really cute!
Congratulations!
As for potty training, I can't help you. I only have a dog, no kids, and you potty trained my dog for me. You know the famous saying though, "Why wipe your ass when you're just going to shit again?"
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