Circ-AL

This morning it was colder than your best friend bangin' your significant other (while wearing your slippers and drinking your last Heineken).



I was out at 7:30 AM on the Cervelo for some laps around the closest thing we have to a velodrome around here...Cedar Creek Park. There's a central circuit of blacktop at the park that rings the playground, tennis courts, and ballfields. It is a bit more than a mile around and has a hill with some banking that is velodrome reminiscent in one spot.



In short, it is a quiet, smooth circuit that is good for some mile pumping. But when I got out, the temp was reading 30 degrees. And this does not account for the wind. Cedar Creek is on the water, and it was a-blowin' this morning on the Great South Bay! I shivered my way through 4 laps and scooted back to the car where I put on another layer and a third pair of gloves. This made it workable on the side where the wind hits your back. On the flipside, I hunkered down on the aeros and pumped on through.

I was hoping to see some of the riders who frequent this loop. But I was alone for the first 18 miles. (YOU PUSSIES!) Then a guy with a QR aero bike pulled up. But by the time he was unpacked and layered up, I was on mile 23 of 25. If it were a few miles earlier, I would have hooked up for some loops. But, at that point, I just wanted to finish. I pumped through my final two loops and called it good with 25 chilly miles under the belt.



In other news, Moveitfred is back from his outting to Virginny. (Freddy, hope there were no incidents involving buggery and banjoes.)



And, finally, a big shout-out to Heywood. Woody, much love brother. We're thinking of you here in NY.

Bangorhard OUT!

gastrointestin-AL

First, An Apology:
To our loyal and devoted readers (all 3 of you), I must apologize. I've been absent from these pages lately. I'm sorry.

Now, the Poop:




I must confess, I've got some issues (I know, Fred, you're saying, "no shit"). My guts give me trouble from time to time when I run, and it ain't pretty. I've reported on this before, but it continues to trouble me. It seems that running is quite "motivational" for my bowels. This is especially true of my morning runs (no pun intended) when I haven't had a chance to fully "download."

I've tried lots of things to deal with this...especially on race day. I've employed coffee, extra early wake ups, extra fiber, no fiber, oils, unguents, and once, I shudder to admit this, a pre marathon enema (that was a disaster as it led to more stops not fewer). The bottom line here, nothing has worked except for waiting to run until after the "clear out."

Well, this morning I did not have the luxury of a post dump run. Al K and I had an 8 on tap and we both had to be at the coal mine by late morning. We were kicking off at about 9, so the schedule did not accomodate my needs too well.

Things began nicely. It was a gorgeous, sunny, earlry spring day, and we were loving it. We trotted through the first 2 miles at a leisurely 8:30 pace. Then the cramps started. I warned AL K at about 2.75 that things were not good. At mile three I knew that "Houston, we have a problem."

I peeled off from Al K, hoping to walk back and find a bathroom or, if it came down to it, a big tree to grunt behind. I started duck walking the almost 3 miles back to Al K's house just praying for some divine intervention: LOOK, A MOBILE PORT O POTTY! No such luck.

When I was a mile from base camp, I saw a movie theater--DOOR LOCKED! Then there was a service station--NO BATHROOM! Squeezing my sphincter muscles for all they were worth, I shuffle-stepped to the deli across the street--OUT OF ORDER! At this point, I began to have that feeling one gets from time to time (besides the "oh god, I'm about to shit myself" feeling). I had that feeling that, somewhere above, someone was having a good laugh at my expense.

At this point, self-fouling seemd imminent. But I saw a last bastion of hope ahead: the train station. Like a power walker trying to hold a clementine in his ass while striding (I'm told this sort of thing goes on), I legged it the last quarter mile. As I approached the door, I had a horrible thought: I'm going to pull on this door and it will be locked. Then, in about 5 seconds, I'll be standing here in my own filth. But oh! Sweet reversal of fortune. The door swung open and there, ahead of me, was a Men's room.

I sped inside and dropped 'em. There was no time for a prophylactic papering, so I went into squat and squeeze mode (which, of course, was more of a squat and spray).

What a difference a few moments make! How is it that some simple (though severe) intestinal pressure can so dramatically effect one's whole worldview? I went from struggling in despair, defeated and despondent to exultant, rejoicing in my victory in just seconds. So simple, so silly.

See you on the road.

Half the man he used to be!

From ADA

"Did You Know?
Obesity is a chronic disease with a strong familial component.
Obesity increases one's risk of developing conditions such as high blood pressure, diabetes (type 2), heart disease, stroke, gallbladder disease and cancer of the breast, prostate and colon.
Health insurance providers rarely pay for treatment of obesity despite its serious effects on health.
The tendency toward obesity is fostered by our environment: lack of physical activity combined with high-calorie, low-cost foods.
If maintained, even weight losses as small as 10 percent of body weight can improve one's health.
The National Institutes of Health annually spends less than 1.0 percent of its budget on obesity research.
Persons with obesity are victims of employment and other discrimination, and are penalized for their condition despite many federal and state laws and policies."

So what is the big deal and why is Heywood Jablome boring all of the faithful readers of the bicoastal boys with this crap. Many of you may have missed the changes taking place with Moveitfred. The last time Heywood visited Fred was 5 months ago. Fred was a pathetic blob of fat cells barely recognizable as a human. Fred was better suited for the circus on display next to the bearded lady and a midget. The bike is not a place for a thing of his size. Fred was no longer able to keep up with his friends while hitting the pavement. He was the anchor of the group. Racing was out of the question. Zanconato was trying to figure how to build a bike that could withstand the loads of fat ass Fred. Fred was loosing confidence with every kilogram he gained while depression was sneaking its way into his life. Sickness was a way of life. The energy level was at an all time low. Something needed to change before he was dead or divorced from his love, the bicycle.

Then one day while watching Denise Austin in the morning, he thought to himself, "self, I can do that." So there it started. Soon Fred was rising early every morning to workout with Denise and get his sweat on. Food was no longer used as a way to kill time but rather a way to fuel his machine at work. Fred cut the crap out of the diet and started eating foods that more closely followed the FDA pyramid. Soon the pounds started to come off at an alarming rate. The faster they came off, the more inspired he became.

Now Fred is almost down to his fighting weight in college. He feels good, he looks good, he is good. Hills are now his friend on the bike. He dances on the pedals as he gracefully climbs the mountains of the east while caring half the weight he once did. He is truly a changed man. This year Fred will be one bad ass MoFo on the race course. I am very proud of my pal Fred and look forward to getting my ass kicked by his new slim, mean body, if you know what I mean.

These Girls Want To Know

What happened to the Bicoastal Boys?

One Down

While the majority of you were lounging at home complaining about the awful weather or the declining stock market, Heywood was out there doing it. Last Saturday, Woody competed in the 15th annual Cool mountain bike race. Cool is located about 6 miles south of God’s Country (Auburn for those of you who were wondering). Known for its mud in the winter, this year was surprisingly dry compared to years past. The temperature was in the mid 70’s with clear skies and no wind to speak of. The route consisted of two laps of a 10 mile loop. 70% fire road, 30% single track or double track. There are two really tough climbs with the rest of the course mostly rolling hills. What a perfect day for racing on the west coast.

Wood was a little anxious and did not want to be underdressed.

Me friend BIG CAT chose to wear his lucky suspenders.

Dust was in the air as 400 racers sprinted to the first turn.

Approaching the conclusion of each lap the riders faced a choice; take the easy route to the right which contained a muddy quagmire to slow down the pace or the jump to the left which got you over the swamp quickly as long as both wheels remained upright.

BIG CAT selected the bog. At least he was not overheating to any further extent.

Jablome took the jump.

While Wood did not finish 1st as previously premeditated, he did manage to stay clear of the dreadful DNF. This leaves lots of room for improvement for next year. Cheers!

Ides Of March

Al here. What's with everyone killing himself lately?

Anyway, Freddy Boy and I blew off a production meeting at the mine and pumped out some miles. It was overcast and breezy (through one section of the ride it was downright WINDY). Freddy and I did a nice 30 miles keepin' the pace up for a good portion of the ride. I'm getting more and more used to the aero rig. I feel fast on the thing, but I miss the classic geometry of my old Lemond Zurich.

Blowing off the Bronx 1/2 this Sunday. I probably could do it and be all right, but I just think it will be wise to wait a little while (allow a little more recovery time) before competing.

HEYWOOD!

Good Gawd, Man! Get your ass down south and save Moveitfred's West Coast digs!

time tri-AL

Well folks, I feel Good! Today was my first "real" workout in weeks. (I am feeling like I'm about 90% recovered which is a big improvement. I've been pretty sick for the last 2 months.) Today, Freddy and I took to the roads. It was the first warm (er) day up here in a while. We started early, so it was still chilly at our start (prolly 35 degrees). By the time we finished, it was a nice and sunny 45. I got my first real ride on the TT bike, and it was great.



The aero positioning took some getting used to. I found it strange to be steering with my elbows, shoulders, and back muscles. This was a real adjustment. At first, I noticed a good bit of weave when I pedaled. It took me a bit to get the right balance and positioning. By mid ride, I felt pretty confident. There was only one scary moment for me...The bars started to shift on a down hill when I was tucked down tight. This was a bit freaky: I'm pressing down in the tuck and the bars are rolling down on me...eeek! But all was cool after a bit of roadside tightening. (Nothing quite as dramatic as Solo's mid ride gruppo install / hemorrhoidectomy--eyes closed and only a rusty leatherman.)

We only had a shortish chunk of time this morning, so we did some nice flat (sorta fast) pace work for about 22 miles then finished with some hill repeats. I died on the 4th hill repeat. But pushed on for one more. It'll take me a few weeks to build back up after all the illness, I guess. The new and improved (slenderized) Moveitfred was tough. He pressed on for another one after I said "mommy." Now if we can only do something about his riding attire.

Callin' All Freuds

Bloggers:

Moveitfred had a cyclocross dream last night. Heywood was at the start. Al was at the start. Several of Moveitfred's old high school buddies were also lined up at the start, each about 120 El Beez overweight.

Starting gun goes off and Moveitfred immediately goes off the back. Soon he's one lap down and fading. Even the fat fucks who thought it "might be fun to try" are bucking through turns and over barriers, passing Moveitfred like he's waist deep in runny ca-ca.

During lap 2 Moveitfred ducks under the course tape and exits.

DNF.

What does this mean?

Respectfully,
A Concerned Moveitfred

(ps: uncharacteristically there were no naked women in this dream)


Fly me high through the starry skies
Maybe to an astral plane
Cross the highways of fantasy
Help me to forget today's pain
Ooh dream weaver
I believe you can get me through the night
Ooh dream weaver
I believe we can reach the morning light

Music

Meg's post referencing those whiny bitches from the Smiths (Goddamn weren't they just so fucking smart!) prompted Moveitfred to post below the current lineup of cds thrown on the floor next to his trainer down in the cold, moldy basement. Yes, correct, Moveitfred does not have one of those fancy mp3 players all you other mofos have for "burning" your stellar mix into a perfect training/HR lineup, so fuck you:

You can shove all that other pretentious music you listen to up your asses, mofos.

Flat Ethan Sez

it was a prudy nice weekend for gettin' out and puttin' in some road miles here in the nor'east.

Flat Ethan should know. That guy has been around. Here's Flat Ethan down by the docks in Port Jefferson today. He's a seafaring guy, enjoys hanging out with the wharf rats telling tall tales of rouge waves and sirens calling from the depths. Like any man of the sea you can certainly tell that he's got only one thing on his mind when on liberty: gettin' himself some flat Madge cross town at Billie's tavern.

Woodie, you remember Billie's, yo?



Ok, truf is Flat Ethan is the cartoon caricature of Moveitfred Jr's Cali friend Ethan, who sent his flat man our way for some photo ops along the eastern seaboard for a school project. So Moveitfred Jr has been hauling Flat Ethan all round town for exposures. Notice in this shot the wrist guards adorning Moveitfred Jr's appendages. He's sporting those not because of an injury but instead because he's a bad-ass extreme motherfucker who's always ready take on shit and throw down when needed.

Yo.

Moveitfred got out for a grand total of 70 miles on the road bike this weekend: 30 easy on Saturday and 40 with a bit more zing today. Saturday was nice, weren't it all you mofos in the NE? Moveitfred's only hitch on that day was bombing down his street to the harbor and hitting a patch of ice at the bottom. Moveitfred pulled a Zabel and cleat-surfed his way to safety without going down. Today Moveitfred upped the tempo a bit for 30 miles and then did a few repeats on the local bump in the road. Looks like temps will be dropping back into the 20's for the week ahead. So much for spring.

In closing Moveitfred wants to send a shout out to his pals Al and Heywood. Al was sent on a recon mission by the factory down to facilities in Florida. Al is being paid good money to study the latest in factory technology and to bring that knowledge back to our facility here on the island. Al, we are all looking forward to your report when you return this week. Heywood, what can Moveitfred say besides you better rehab your ass and get back out there in the dirt. Moveitfred and Heywood are having a 2 outta 3 bicoastal hookup along the shores of Lake Michigan in the not-too-distant future. Heywood, you've got to get yoself in prime shape to dismantle Chi-town.

By the way, did you get those Cubbies tix you cheap fucker? (Moveitfred scored some shitty seats to the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim--or whatever the fuck they are called--and the dreaded Evil Empire while he and the famdamnly are out in Cali this summer).

Shits Going Down

Heywood at your service.

Does anyone bear in mind a previous post by the amazing Moveitfred involving house guest who clogged the Fred’s toilet? What the hell is a brotha to do when the same house guest visits Casa de Wood and plugs up our plumbing within the first hours of the visit?

The problem is the Woods moved from the old house with a new toilet containing a 2 3/8” trap way to the current casa which obviously does not contain such impressive hardware. The first time this terrific house guest rested his ass cheeks on the porcelain, he clogged the SOB. Yes, his virgin shit at the new shack. Mrs. Wood did not even have time to follow the advice of Gewilli and add a modest amount of fiber to the diet of the wonderful house guest. And yes, I got the same excuses as our pal Freddy did from wonderful guest; pipes are too old, incorrect kind of toilet, erroneous apparatus to unclog toilet. Something has got to change.

So the Woods and the houseguest that we love so much called an emergency meeting in the bathroom a first chance. We covered more efficient use of toilet paper, flushing more habitually while crapping, plunging technique, and physically cutting bulky terds into less significant pieces. Apparently our talked worked. Four days at the house, no more bunged toilets.

On to the real shit of this blog. Heywood really messed himself up this time. The trails were even and tacky with a crispness in the air that beckoned Woody to push the pace a little harder. On a slightly off camber right hand turn at Mach 3, the front tire lost traction so quickly that the bike was no longer beneath Wood within a split second. The landing was solid and rapid on the right side of Wood’s meek frame. While checking the body for injuries, it was instantly recognizable that the right shoulder did not feel the same as it did when the ride began. Fuck, the arm could not twirl on the shoulder at all. Realizing that there is no way in hell to traverse the remaining 20 miles on a trail, Wood dragged his bike a mile or two to the closest paved rode, called the wife and wept like a big pussy. First time in five years of mountain bike riding that Heywood had to call and find an alternative way home. Jablome’s life is over as me know it. So after one week of rest and 16,800 mg of Advil, Wood is ready to hit the trail again. Shoulder still a little tender and the arm still can’t be raised above horizontal. The diagnosis is torn ligaments/tendons with no displacement or broken bones. So what does this mean, Heywood is just a big pussy for crying over a sprain/strain. Oh well, I am back on the bike again today. Happy trails.

Al On Our Minds

Please, bloggers, send your warm thoughts to Al today. He is not feeling well.

Al, Godspeed.















Moveitfred believes he speaks for everyone when he says:

Maybe we didn't treat you
Quite as good as we should have
Maybe we didn't love you
Quite as often as we could have
Little things we should have said and done
We just never took the time
You were always on our minds
You were always on our minds

Plus One More

Photo courtesy of Extremeski from last day at the Tour de Cali.

Not the kind of tail Moveitfred was hoping to see in Long Beach.

Moveitfred took a well-deserved, self-imposed break from the factory today and is about to head out onto the slushy roads for a short run before retiring to the basement to spin out the legs.

Nothing like an action-packed afternoon.

Von Zipper Papa G. Good for welding or protecting your upper body from harmful UV rays.

Tail was everywhere.

Heywood with the race report:

This past week, Heywood attended two stages of the tour of California with that guy called Dave and a newcomer named Big Cat. Tuesday, we arrived at the finish line for stage two in Sacramento to watch the pros battle it out for the victory. Before the race, I was able to take in some of the scenery and talk to a few old friends of mine. First things first. I had to get a picture with my sponsors. Floyd tried to explain to me the intricacies of his hip surgery. This is the same procedure my grandmother got when she turned 81. Shorty after the conversation with the Mennonite, some people in white lab coats came and took him away while yelling "wee, wee!"

JJ pulled out another win for team CSC. Nice work!

Wednesday was on to Wood's old stopping ground for the start of Stage 3. Was able to have a chat with some old friends while visiting the hood.

Michael Rasmussen and Wood formed a plan for him to shed some extra pounds. Also, he complained about feeling under the weather. After our talk, I weighed his bike to make sure it was legal. 15.3 lbs.

Got a chance to hang out with my old pal Bjarne Riis. “Let him spread his wings” I told him regarding Jens Voigt. “This is his day to shine.” About time he listened to Heywood.

OK, Al will formulate one batch of homemade beer to the person who can guess the identity of this man. Hint: He was a cyclist a few decades ago. Very comical character.

Hey Bobby.

The world champ, Paolo Bettini.

My father getting interviewed by ABC news. They wanted to know all about Heywood and his bicoastal friends.

Over all, this has been a wonderful tour and we still have one day remaining. All are welcome to come join Heywood next year and follow the whole race. Any takers?

Reviv-AL

Al, On Antibiotics and Recovering Slowly, Contemplates Multisport

It seems mi compadres (Fred and Woody) are doing a lot of nothin' on the ole blog. So I'll carry the weight for a while here. I've been on my ass for the last 9 days, taking antibiotics and decongestants, so what else do I have to do? Boy these meds kick the crap out of you. I've been falling asleep at 9 pm.

Anyway, yesterday was eventful and got me FIRED up again for the tri season. I went out to the bike shop to be fitted on my new tri bike. (Check our link for Kreb Cycle...they kick ass!) As I mentioned in an earlier post, I got a Cervelo P2SL. It is kitted out with a mix of Ultegra and Dura Ace. And the package came with a set of Bontrager Race Lite wheels. I plan to use these for training, and I got a sweet set of Zipps for Race Day. The zipps are tubs, 530 in the front and a 440 rear. Back to the bike shop...I spent about an hour with Chris from Kreb. He's a Serotta dealer and does a lot of high end bike work, and he really amazed me with his knowledge about fit and proper form etc. I learned a ton in just a couple of hours with him.

The fit involved a ton of different measurements and a good deal of analysis and readjustment as I pedaled away on the trainer. (It also involved putting this expanding "fit stick" under my nuts and letting it stretch and press my jewels. I don't think this has anything to do with the fit; I figure it's a fun way for the fit guy to have a laugh at my expense.) Chris noticed right away a problem in my form. (A bit of background: I have very little bike experience. I swam in college and was a marathon runner for about the last 12 years. I only started biking about 2 years ago.) He noticed a tightness in my hammys that translated into a footstroke that was very heel high. I've been pedaling with way too much calf and not really utilizing my quads effectively. This is something I need to work on and be aware of. Additionally, I've had my set up geared towards that sort of ride. He's set me up a good deal lower than I am used to. I felt the difference immediately. All you bike guys and gals are prolly saying, "elementary, Al, you putz" (or something similar). All this is new for me, and I'm psyched. I'm thinking that as I learn, I will improve. Cool.

Well, that's all. I'll leave you with this vid, to show you where my mind is at:

Logic-AL

This one was just to splendid to pass up. It reminds me of the lecture I give my students on drinking and driving / driving in inclement weather / driving late at night / driving on New Years etc:

Try to double or even triple the speed limit wherever possible. This will dramatically reduce your "road time" and make it far less likely that you will have an accident or get pulled over. It's all about exposure time!

Drunk Driver In The Zone

Perpetu-AL

Al is sick again, as reported.
Well, Dr. visit and x-ray confirm that I have another sinus infection. (Or maybe the same one from two months ago.) SHIT! I'm on meds again and feeling like crap. I'm also a bit concerned that I might slap on a few pounds with all this sickness downtime. Maybe I'll take up dancing.

Moveitfred's Weekend Workout...