Callin' All Freuds

Bloggers:

Moveitfred had a cyclocross dream last night. Heywood was at the start. Al was at the start. Several of Moveitfred's old high school buddies were also lined up at the start, each about 120 El Beez overweight.

Starting gun goes off and Moveitfred immediately goes off the back. Soon he's one lap down and fading. Even the fat fucks who thought it "might be fun to try" are bucking through turns and over barriers, passing Moveitfred like he's waist deep in runny ca-ca.

During lap 2 Moveitfred ducks under the course tape and exits.

DNF.

What does this mean?

Respectfully,
A Concerned Moveitfred

(ps: uncharacteristically there were no naked women in this dream)


Fly me high through the starry skies
Maybe to an astral plane
Cross the highways of fantasy
Help me to forget today's pain
Ooh dream weaver
I believe you can get me through the night
Ooh dream weaver
I believe we can reach the morning light

Music

Meg's post referencing those whiny bitches from the Smiths (Goddamn weren't they just so fucking smart!) prompted Moveitfred to post below the current lineup of cds thrown on the floor next to his trainer down in the cold, moldy basement. Yes, correct, Moveitfred does not have one of those fancy mp3 players all you other mofos have for "burning" your stellar mix into a perfect training/HR lineup, so fuck you:

You can shove all that other pretentious music you listen to up your asses, mofos.

Flat Ethan Sez

it was a prudy nice weekend for gettin' out and puttin' in some road miles here in the nor'east.

Flat Ethan should know. That guy has been around. Here's Flat Ethan down by the docks in Port Jefferson today. He's a seafaring guy, enjoys hanging out with the wharf rats telling tall tales of rouge waves and sirens calling from the depths. Like any man of the sea you can certainly tell that he's got only one thing on his mind when on liberty: gettin' himself some flat Madge cross town at Billie's tavern.

Woodie, you remember Billie's, yo?



Ok, truf is Flat Ethan is the cartoon caricature of Moveitfred Jr's Cali friend Ethan, who sent his flat man our way for some photo ops along the eastern seaboard for a school project. So Moveitfred Jr has been hauling Flat Ethan all round town for exposures. Notice in this shot the wrist guards adorning Moveitfred Jr's appendages. He's sporting those not because of an injury but instead because he's a bad-ass extreme motherfucker who's always ready take on shit and throw down when needed.

Yo.

Moveitfred got out for a grand total of 70 miles on the road bike this weekend: 30 easy on Saturday and 40 with a bit more zing today. Saturday was nice, weren't it all you mofos in the NE? Moveitfred's only hitch on that day was bombing down his street to the harbor and hitting a patch of ice at the bottom. Moveitfred pulled a Zabel and cleat-surfed his way to safety without going down. Today Moveitfred upped the tempo a bit for 30 miles and then did a few repeats on the local bump in the road. Looks like temps will be dropping back into the 20's for the week ahead. So much for spring.

In closing Moveitfred wants to send a shout out to his pals Al and Heywood. Al was sent on a recon mission by the factory down to facilities in Florida. Al is being paid good money to study the latest in factory technology and to bring that knowledge back to our facility here on the island. Al, we are all looking forward to your report when you return this week. Heywood, what can Moveitfred say besides you better rehab your ass and get back out there in the dirt. Moveitfred and Heywood are having a 2 outta 3 bicoastal hookup along the shores of Lake Michigan in the not-too-distant future. Heywood, you've got to get yoself in prime shape to dismantle Chi-town.

By the way, did you get those Cubbies tix you cheap fucker? (Moveitfred scored some shitty seats to the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim--or whatever the fuck they are called--and the dreaded Evil Empire while he and the famdamnly are out in Cali this summer).

Shits Going Down

Heywood at your service.

Does anyone bear in mind a previous post by the amazing Moveitfred involving house guest who clogged the Fred’s toilet? What the hell is a brotha to do when the same house guest visits Casa de Wood and plugs up our plumbing within the first hours of the visit?

The problem is the Woods moved from the old house with a new toilet containing a 2 3/8” trap way to the current casa which obviously does not contain such impressive hardware. The first time this terrific house guest rested his ass cheeks on the porcelain, he clogged the SOB. Yes, his virgin shit at the new shack. Mrs. Wood did not even have time to follow the advice of Gewilli and add a modest amount of fiber to the diet of the wonderful house guest. And yes, I got the same excuses as our pal Freddy did from wonderful guest; pipes are too old, incorrect kind of toilet, erroneous apparatus to unclog toilet. Something has got to change.

So the Woods and the houseguest that we love so much called an emergency meeting in the bathroom a first chance. We covered more efficient use of toilet paper, flushing more habitually while crapping, plunging technique, and physically cutting bulky terds into less significant pieces. Apparently our talked worked. Four days at the house, no more bunged toilets.

On to the real shit of this blog. Heywood really messed himself up this time. The trails were even and tacky with a crispness in the air that beckoned Woody to push the pace a little harder. On a slightly off camber right hand turn at Mach 3, the front tire lost traction so quickly that the bike was no longer beneath Wood within a split second. The landing was solid and rapid on the right side of Wood’s meek frame. While checking the body for injuries, it was instantly recognizable that the right shoulder did not feel the same as it did when the ride began. Fuck, the arm could not twirl on the shoulder at all. Realizing that there is no way in hell to traverse the remaining 20 miles on a trail, Wood dragged his bike a mile or two to the closest paved rode, called the wife and wept like a big pussy. First time in five years of mountain bike riding that Heywood had to call and find an alternative way home. Jablome’s life is over as me know it. So after one week of rest and 16,800 mg of Advil, Wood is ready to hit the trail again. Shoulder still a little tender and the arm still can’t be raised above horizontal. The diagnosis is torn ligaments/tendons with no displacement or broken bones. So what does this mean, Heywood is just a big pussy for crying over a sprain/strain. Oh well, I am back on the bike again today. Happy trails.

Al On Our Minds

Please, bloggers, send your warm thoughts to Al today. He is not feeling well.

Al, Godspeed.















Moveitfred believes he speaks for everyone when he says:

Maybe we didn't treat you
Quite as good as we should have
Maybe we didn't love you
Quite as often as we could have
Little things we should have said and done
We just never took the time
You were always on our minds
You were always on our minds

Plus One More

Photo courtesy of Extremeski from last day at the Tour de Cali.

Not the kind of tail Moveitfred was hoping to see in Long Beach.

Moveitfred took a well-deserved, self-imposed break from the factory today and is about to head out onto the slushy roads for a short run before retiring to the basement to spin out the legs.

Nothing like an action-packed afternoon.

Von Zipper Papa G. Good for welding or protecting your upper body from harmful UV rays.

Tail was everywhere.

Heywood with the race report:

This past week, Heywood attended two stages of the tour of California with that guy called Dave and a newcomer named Big Cat. Tuesday, we arrived at the finish line for stage two in Sacramento to watch the pros battle it out for the victory. Before the race, I was able to take in some of the scenery and talk to a few old friends of mine. First things first. I had to get a picture with my sponsors. Floyd tried to explain to me the intricacies of his hip surgery. This is the same procedure my grandmother got when she turned 81. Shorty after the conversation with the Mennonite, some people in white lab coats came and took him away while yelling "wee, wee!"

JJ pulled out another win for team CSC. Nice work!

Wednesday was on to Wood's old stopping ground for the start of Stage 3. Was able to have a chat with some old friends while visiting the hood.

Michael Rasmussen and Wood formed a plan for him to shed some extra pounds. Also, he complained about feeling under the weather. After our talk, I weighed his bike to make sure it was legal. 15.3 lbs.

Got a chance to hang out with my old pal Bjarne Riis. “Let him spread his wings” I told him regarding Jens Voigt. “This is his day to shine.” About time he listened to Heywood.

OK, Al will formulate one batch of homemade beer to the person who can guess the identity of this man. Hint: He was a cyclist a few decades ago. Very comical character.

Hey Bobby.

The world champ, Paolo Bettini.

My father getting interviewed by ABC news. They wanted to know all about Heywood and his bicoastal friends.

Over all, this has been a wonderful tour and we still have one day remaining. All are welcome to come join Heywood next year and follow the whole race. Any takers?

Reviv-AL

Al, On Antibiotics and Recovering Slowly, Contemplates Multisport

It seems mi compadres (Fred and Woody) are doing a lot of nothin' on the ole blog. So I'll carry the weight for a while here. I've been on my ass for the last 9 days, taking antibiotics and decongestants, so what else do I have to do? Boy these meds kick the crap out of you. I've been falling asleep at 9 pm.

Anyway, yesterday was eventful and got me FIRED up again for the tri season. I went out to the bike shop to be fitted on my new tri bike. (Check our link for Kreb Cycle...they kick ass!) As I mentioned in an earlier post, I got a Cervelo P2SL. It is kitted out with a mix of Ultegra and Dura Ace. And the package came with a set of Bontrager Race Lite wheels. I plan to use these for training, and I got a sweet set of Zipps for Race Day. The zipps are tubs, 530 in the front and a 440 rear. Back to the bike shop...I spent about an hour with Chris from Kreb. He's a Serotta dealer and does a lot of high end bike work, and he really amazed me with his knowledge about fit and proper form etc. I learned a ton in just a couple of hours with him.

The fit involved a ton of different measurements and a good deal of analysis and readjustment as I pedaled away on the trainer. (It also involved putting this expanding "fit stick" under my nuts and letting it stretch and press my jewels. I don't think this has anything to do with the fit; I figure it's a fun way for the fit guy to have a laugh at my expense.) Chris noticed right away a problem in my form. (A bit of background: I have very little bike experience. I swam in college and was a marathon runner for about the last 12 years. I only started biking about 2 years ago.) He noticed a tightness in my hammys that translated into a footstroke that was very heel high. I've been pedaling with way too much calf and not really utilizing my quads effectively. This is something I need to work on and be aware of. Additionally, I've had my set up geared towards that sort of ride. He's set me up a good deal lower than I am used to. I felt the difference immediately. All you bike guys and gals are prolly saying, "elementary, Al, you putz" (or something similar). All this is new for me, and I'm psyched. I'm thinking that as I learn, I will improve. Cool.

Well, that's all. I'll leave you with this vid, to show you where my mind is at:

Logic-AL

This one was just to splendid to pass up. It reminds me of the lecture I give my students on drinking and driving / driving in inclement weather / driving late at night / driving on New Years etc:

Try to double or even triple the speed limit wherever possible. This will dramatically reduce your "road time" and make it far less likely that you will have an accident or get pulled over. It's all about exposure time!

Drunk Driver In The Zone

Perpetu-AL

Al is sick again, as reported.
Well, Dr. visit and x-ray confirm that I have another sinus infection. (Or maybe the same one from two months ago.) SHIT! I'm on meds again and feeling like crap. I'm also a bit concerned that I might slap on a few pounds with all this sickness downtime. Maybe I'll take up dancing.

Moveitfred's Weekend Workout...

Roborant for Al

Al, you and Moveitfred completely missed the tonic to cure all ills: a stay out in Cali and attendance at that little ol' bike race they got going on.


Care for a free brochure?

How about joining Moveitfred's pal Thor for some hors d’oeuvres and libations with the ladies?


















It's the land where angels fly...

Disgrunt-AL

Al is not happy. I'm sick again. The last three months have just been a nightmare for me with sickness. Around Thanksgiving, I came down with a cold and it seems like I just can't kick it. Around x-mas, I was on antibiotics, and it seemed like I was on the mend. Then I was down with another and another. It's driven me to the point where I'm taking significant time off from training to heal up (I know, you're saying no duh!) This is something I NEVER do. But I just can't seem to get well, even with rest. I was sick a couple weeks back. I took 10 days off, and I seemed to be back in the game. I worked out just 4 days this last week, and I'm congested and headachy and weak again. WTF!?! I've got two little ones in pre-school, and they seem to be sniffling and coughing pretty frequently. They bounce right back though. (I'm sure they are passing all this nonsense along to me.) Anyway, I'm losing my marbles here. At times, I think I've just got to rest more and let myself heal. But then there is that inner voice that that screams, "courage and determination! Get out there!" Here's a little courage and determination for ya.

Al and Dick

After about a week of doing absolutely nothing, Moveitfred, with prodding by Al, returns. Since Moveitfred ain't done shit all week (ie, no powertap data, no splits/mileage, no VO2/HIV/NAACP), he offers the faithful readership this artistic video gem.

Popsic-AL

Hey Now! Al is on the mend! 3 solid days of running after almost 2 weeks of illness. I'm feeling good. Still coughing up bisque, but hey, you can't have it all. Yesterday was a nightmare run...major ice storm here in the 'hood. I was running in an absolute downpour of ice and rain and snow. Soaked and chilled and generally frozen. But I slogged through a 5er with Al K and called it done. I worried that my illness would return with a vengeance, but I am ok. Today I did a 5 and some hill work. Legs feel good. I was aided by a pair of ice joggers today. These are a great invention, and I recommend them highly!!! They keep your ass vertical, for real. However, if you use them to run on ice while holding the hand of your significant other (like the two assholes pictured here), I hope you get hit by a milk truck and taste your own blood.




As you all know, I recently celebrated my 38th. I was starting to feel a bit long in the tooth. I'd like to get a full Ironman under my belt by my 40th, and I started to feel like this might be impossible for me at this age and stage (two kids, wife, mortgage, dog etc etc etc). Then I said, "fuck that!" I mean, look at the PO-lice. Those MFs are what, 70? 80? They're headed back out on the road this summer!

And VH is planning a summer tour too...with Diamond David Lee Roth at the wheel!!! If these fuckers can rock and roll through their decrepitude.............know'm sayin'?





On another note...some big love to my main man Fred (no, nothing gay here you bastards). Fred-O began his blogging career a bit more than a year ago (2/11/06). Freddy-boy is a brother, a friend, and a good worker at the factory (worker #3512236). Much love, much respect.

And let me close with the words of the immortal, the short, the now fat and bug eyed, the one time brilliant, the all too oftened involved in vehicular accidents Billy Joel:
And all that means is that I'm running on ice
Caught in the vise so strong
I'm slipping and sliding, cause I'm running on ice...

Keep on running. !

Very Kool

Today here at the Bicoastal Boys we honor Woody and Al. Two fine Americans who on this day, each, celebrate the birth of their beings into this great country of ours. It is as if they are, indeed, two brothers from different mothers.

Below, gentlemen, is a small gift from Moveitfred.

There's a party goin' on right here

A celebration to last throughout the years

So bring your good times, and your laughter too

We gonna celebrate your party with you

Come on now

Celebrate good times, come on! (Let's celebrate)

Celebrate good times, come on! (Let's celebrate)

Day at the Spa

Heywood checking in.

The day after I made the remark about the lack of precipitation and the superb conditions of the trails, the heavens opened up and dumped about a foot of H2O on the terrain in God’s Country. This made today’s outing a bit more challenging and a whole lot messier. I met up with a local transplant from Long Island in the afternoon to knock out about 12 miles while some cats and dogs where falling from the sky. The transplant (we will call him J) led Heywood on the Foresthill Divide loop trail at quit a fine clip. J is much smarter than he looks. He maneuvered into the lead right from the get go which ended up being a tidy move on his part. Copious amounts of mud flung from his tires only to find my face a short time later. J put the block on Heywood at every opportunity keeping my face in his radar. Mrs. Jablome says a mud facial is good for my aging skin but this is just plain ridiculous. After just over an hour in the elements, Heywood and J finished our ride and headed our separate ways.

Stats

Well, recovery continues for Al. And, since I'm not training this week, I've got a bit of time on my hands. Thought I'd upload some of my pertinent statistics for Jan 07 (someone will have to compute points for me):

• #of times I farted = 7,352
• # of times those farts led to a bowel movement = 64
• #of times I ate fish = 16
• #of times I did not eat fish = 93
• #of times I picked my toes = 128
• #of times I thought about sex = 126,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000
• # of times those farts led to a (partial / unplanned) bowel movement = 4

Over the river and through the woods

While reviewing Heywood’s purpose in life, He came to the conclusion that not much is going on. Most of Wood’s days consist of finding some stretch of uneven single-track to ride, dreaming of some hot little skirt to ride, or filling my throat with the golden liquid from the heavens. But, there is one thing in Woody’s pitiful life that actually contributes to the good of mankind, a search dog.

About 18 months ago, Heywood got some foolish idea to train his hyperactive dog to do something truly remarkable. With the help of a county search and rescue team, Team Heydog started this adventure; unsure what the fuck they were getting themselves into. Now, 614.5 hours later, 25,216 miles of driving came down to one day last week. Team Heydog took our certification test last Friday. The goal, find three victims who are scattered all over 110 acres at some god awful altitude within four hours. During the ordeal, that little shiteater led Wood up 1,000 vertical feet and through 9.16 miles of dense forest. Don’t want to bore you anymore with the details so here is the skinny on it. HEYDOG PASSED!!! Team Heydog is a certified Search and Rescue team. So go get lost.

On another note, the state of the trails is marvelous with the lack of water falling from the sky. The Blur did not have such a high-quality week though. The rubber on the wheel looked like it got run through a shredder. Next, the derailleur hanger had the appearance of a banana after a miscalculation on a jump. Subsequent to dumping some dough to glue this shit together, Heywood was back in business today.

Where do you keep YOUR bitch?

Moveitfred is of the opinion that a cage in a good place for your bitch. Keeps them from whining and making messes all over the house. Just be sure to shut the cage door. And if she's clever, lock it.

Well friends, Jessie the guide dog bitch is back home after two weeks away fucking.

Yes, Jessie is with child(ren). Black Lab Jessie was matched up with a Golden Retriever stud, and those two did the dirty doggie dance for the last coupla weeks over in the controlled and romantic environment of the Guide Dog Foundation kennels. She seems very tired. Of course there is an obvious joke embedded in that observation, but you should know by now that Moveitfred never settles for the obvious joke.

You can prolly tell by the sparkle in the bitch's eyes that she will be a fine momma to her brood. Due date: early April. Family fred just needs to decide if they want the bloody event to take place on the new tiled floor, or if they should ship Jessie off to the foundation...

I entertain by picking brains

Sell my soul by dropping names

I don't like those, my god, what's that

Oh it's full of nasty habits when the bitch gets back

Blaxploitation?

Anyone else bothered by the whole "now more than ever" / "especially now," / celebrating black history month /celebrating 2 african american coaches in the Super Bowl bullshit? I mean, it was just product placement by Coca Cola and Tostitos masquerading as a real social statement. (Of course, that "statement" has reduced black history to who's done what lately.) It was heavy handed and transparent and insulting and annoying. Does this sell product? I hope it just pisses people off.

And here was another bullshit moment: Dungee's about to accept the trophy and the announcer has to drop in "we know it has been an especially hard 14 months for you..." Is that necessary? The poor bastard's son killed himself 14 months ago, so TV shoe-horns that in there to amp up the drama, the story. The fucking guy's wife and daughter are standing there too!

In the words of the great Bela Lugosi, "FUCK YOU!"

Audib-AL

I've been having some troubles as of late: 1) I've been sick as a dog and laid up for the last several days. I expect to be out of training for the rest of this week too. 2) I'm having second thoughts about another marathon right now. Let me explain...

This marathon (for those with # fixation, it is #14 for me and my best prior 26.2 was done in 3:20 and small change) was to be a lead in to my triathlon season. It was a good way to get really fit for the tris I want to do late Spring into Summer. But this cold has knocked me out of commission for the better part of two weeks worth of training. I'm sure I'll be ok in the marathon, but I'll be playing catch up the rest of this cycle. And from the get go, I've been feeling burnt on marathoning. Last year, I discovered triathlon for myself, and I am really amped up for this season. But marathon doesn't move me right now.

Here's what I've decided:
I'm going to finish out this winter season with 4 or so 1/2 marathon races. (The LI Marathon was to be a full but now I'll do the 1/2.) I'll hit the indoor pool more and get more miles in on the bike. In short, I'll start focusing in on tri earlier. This just FEELS right to me. So I'm doing it.

In keeping with this decision, I made a few purchases.



#1 is a Cervelo P2 SL. It's a full aero rig kitted out with a dura ace/ultegra mix. It's the younger cousin of the killer P3 carbon ('cept this guy is aluminum with carbon fork and stays etc. which makes it about $2000 less). I got it from a dude who bought it and rode it 5 times on the trainer before he realized that he jsut isn't built for an aero rig. (Picture silly fat guy with too much cash and a full quiver of other fancy rides.) The bike is essentially brand new, and I got it for far less than I would have new. I actually was ready to buy a new Cervelo Dual Dura Ace. This is a step up and I got it for a bit less. Cool.





#2 is an Aquaman wetsuit. I finished out the season last year with a lake tri in 60 degree temps. Water was high sixties and, needless to say, it took the better part of the day for my nuts to drop down out of my throat. I vowed not to go through that again. Plus, wetsuits make you faster as they improve buoyancy. Cool. (And no, that silly, soft, pasty fucker is not Al and he did not come with the wetsuit. Can you believe it? Aquaman chose this dude for the website. Maybe they're marketing to the everyman, to the same kind of schmuck who bought my P2 firsthand?)

Anyway, Al is geared for tri and amped to boot. Now I just need to get healthy and get going. Anyone ever do the Liberty to Liberty Triathlon? (Statue of Liberty to Liberty Bell.) Thinking of doing this one to start the year. Thoughts?

New Gym Rules

Moveitfred wonders at least once a week why he doesn't just pack it up and move to Amsterdam.

Naked Sunday

NFN